Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
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If snakes were wide
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
😂😂😂
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Still a very good boi….
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!