One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
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Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.