You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
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Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Ok, but like, how married are you?