@Eightinchgoat: Sorry I tried to strengthen my immune system by asking your wife to breast feed me.
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@dafloydsta: HER: I'm leaving you ME: But why? HER: There's just no chemistry between us anymore CHEMISTRY: Wow, I'm like right here
@Tmoney68: 11:30 - Sit on toilet, open Twitter. 11:54 - Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs. 11:55 - Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
@iinkedZombie: [pet store] Me *looking at snakes* "CAN I FEED THEM?" Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure. Me *putting my kids in tank*