My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
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It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
wait.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy