@Eightinchgoat: Sorry I tried to strengthen my immune system by asking your wife to breast feed me.
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@thatUPSdude: Turns out if you fake a heart attack every Monday work sends you to HR and not the hospital.
@Dr_awfulpants: [at ATM] Would I like to check my balance? Okay sure. *presses button* *robot leg shoots out and sweeps mine* 'Your balance is: awful'