first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
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[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.