Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
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Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.