Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
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HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
This bar smells like my childhood.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.