Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
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(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Only Americans understand
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Wait a minute
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon