Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
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Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
just having fun
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.