@SCbchbum: Sorry I used your baby's bald head as a lipstick blotter.
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@Quartzjixler: Me: A coworker called me 'Papa Hemingway' today. Her: Because of your beard? Me: Well it wasn't because of my Nobel in Literature.
@batkaren: HER: I love Deadpool ME: I love Dead Pool HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too? ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims' bodies* Hmm?
@Dadpression: Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
@Reverend_Scott: Ok doc, give it to me straight. "It's cancer" How bad? "Really bad, you have 2 months." OMG "APRIL FOOLS!" Whew- "You have 2 days."