@SCbchbum: Sorry I used your baby's bald head as a lipstick blotter.
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@KimMonte10: Let's raise our glasses. I'll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We'll name this action after cooked bread
@nagunnatelya: Husband: Have you lost weight? Me: About 10 lbs H: Who you trying to look good for? *wink M: You don't know him. He's on Twitter...
@NYC_Blonde: I recognize that Rome wasn't built in a day but I'm not trying to build Rome, I just want to to enjoy onion rings without gaining weight.
@BoscoPorter: Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of shit?"