Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
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I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.