Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
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Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.