@bossy_bootz: Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
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@truegritrumble: ME: *falls off the wagon* THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
@VerifiedJayy: According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch" isn't what I thought it was
@iwearaonesie: [watching TV] me: Where are your pants? toddler: I took them off so I could see better