Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
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Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Just as the prophecy foretold
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Breaking news:
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.