@bossy_bootz: Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
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@smirkykev: In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c'mon...even I've done THAT!"
@XplodingUnicorn: When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
@ShesARealGenius: [Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I'm dying]: "Oh, you don't have to do that, don't worry about it."