If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
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i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
When I laugh on my period
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
how to have an accident 101
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.