I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
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I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
🙂🙃🥹
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.