Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
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COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.