@OhNoSheTwitnt: Sorry I wrote "All dogs matter" on your "I ❤️ my Weimaraner" bumper sticker.
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@Chumpstring: [parent teacher conference] TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions PARENT: good luck dealing with that
@mstern68: If you were my gf, I'd have a warm bath and a meal ready for when you got home every day Her: I'm your wife Like I said, if you were my gf
@Matt_The_1st: Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?