@OhNoSheTwitnt: Sorry I wrote "All dogs matter" on your "I ❤️ my Weimaraner" bumper sticker.
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@QwertyJones3: [phone rings] "Hello?" Hi, is your refrigerator running? "WTF?" ...well Hillary is! Hi, I'd like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
@tangledteatime: An eight year old offered to sell me drugs. Isn't that disgusting? Why would I pay when I can just beat him up and take them? He's EIGHT.
@MattMcC1: "We run a tight ship" barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway "Real tight." he turns sideways to fit down the hall