@OhNoSheTwitnt: Sorry I wrote "All dogs matter" on your "I ❤️ my Weimaraner" bumper sticker.
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@tastefactory: I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I'm ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
@Boourns83: Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle.. Now I just smell like shit
@weinerdog4life: There is a button on my microwave that says "super clown" and I do not ever push that button
@YUCKYBOT: Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.