Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
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Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.