Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
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ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.