Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
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wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.