Thursday
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My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?