@awescar: Sorry I yelled "chug it" to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
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@daemonic3: Ok I won't subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What's the difference?
@david8hughes: [interrogation] "Where were u on the night of the 3rd?" Stabbing a homeless man. "Louder for the tape?" Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
@EndhooS: Cop: Are you drunk? Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants* Cop: WOW. Yes actually. Me: That was supposed to be a backflip