Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
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Not really a humane solution in my opinion
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.