Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
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Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
saving face 👀
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.