When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
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Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.