Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
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Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
the three branches of government
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF