Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
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No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️