Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
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One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I’m giving up ice.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.