Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
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Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Anyone really
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Mmmm canned fish.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day