Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
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I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing