Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
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my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Straight people are cancelled
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.