Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
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The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
HOW DARE YOU
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]