@aligarchy: sorry i'm late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
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@AmishPornStar1: Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?! Me: It was getting freezer-burned. W: I just bought it today! Me: Crazy freezer.
@JosesLovesYou: *barges into bank with guns drawn Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt! *hands out sunglasses all around Nice. Nice.
@senorwinces: Take a look at trending topics and you'll realize why they have to write "do not eat" on dry silica packets.
@JohnHilsen: Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.