sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
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*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.