sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
You Might Also Like
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*