Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
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you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
i want to work in this restaurant
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Why is this me 😫
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.