sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
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My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
A friend sent me this.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Tremendous stuff
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.