Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
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Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬