Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
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Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
What do you hear?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.