Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
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My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night