@simoncholland: Sorry I'm late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
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@JaymayAllDay: "No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks." - Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
@MommaUnfiltered: Dear Snapchat, I don't care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
@Fred_Delicious: [penguin waddles into computer repair store] "Hi yes my laptop is frozen" ... Computer repair guy - "how did you get to Milwaukee"
@causticbob: I took a girl back to my flat. "You haven't removed many bras have you?" she sighed. "What gave it away?" "The scissors, mainly."