Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
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Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please