Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
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The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite