“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
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If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Self-cleaning conscience
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
our love story in four pictures
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.