sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
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genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok