@gorrdano: Sorry, I'm using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
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@realHamOnWry: Two men came to the door asking if I'd found Jesus. I had no idea he was missing and I suddenly got nervous thinking I might be a suspect.
@GrabTheWEness: *posts Social Security number on social media* *hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
@Home_Halfway: Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he's boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
@mellimelle: Just because I'm Irish doesn't mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.