Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
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Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.