Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
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[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
6: are snakes just neck?
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’