I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
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Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….