Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
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My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Pikachu found the lost joint
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag