Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
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Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Meow?
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
They grow up so quick
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?