@mzeld: Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
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@david8hughes: [in Walmart] "Excuse me, do you have towels?" "Oh, I don't work here." [leans in close] "I don't give a shit where you work."
@SamuelHLowe: That awkward moment when someone is washing dishes and you slowly put your glass in the sink.
@KrunkedRobot: Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.