@mzeld: Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
@IamEnidColeslaw: "YOU'RE FAT." - my belt
@jake_lach: *Dive rolls across the room naked
Her- Why don't you just buy curtains?
@GianDoh: The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
@marcia_bee: Imagine me in bed.
This leaky roof is gonna cost me a fortune to fix!
@UnicornSyrup: "I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?"