Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
You Might Also Like
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*