We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
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You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
hmm conte-me mais
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.