I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
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If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son